I had a deep dive into a period of depression this last winter. It came out of nowhere. I’ve since come out of it yet feel it’s a responsibility to chat about here to anyone experiencing it or having bouts now and then.
It’s a weird thing getting depressed, as there are so many connotations with it. So many varieties. So many experiences. Yet the essence is v.similar - a deep dive into the depths of our soul that evokes hopelessness.
There’s also a shame of feeling it, or for any period we don’t feel on top form, esp when we’re supposed to be on a spiritual path. There’s always that feeling I should be sorted. Especially, if I’m guiding others.
What kind of person can have troubles if they are supposed to be assisting others with theirs?
And yet this is the idea we have subtlety created. That to be spiritual means to maintain an ideal of Perfectionism. Add on top of that being a Lightworker, coach, role model. It becomes an added pressure that more often than not deepens depression.
We’re emerging from a consciousness of establishing personas and landing back into the Reality of who we truly are, and what we’re truly feeling.
So many people from all walks of life get depressed or anxiety now and then. I personally feel everyone does, it’s more about language of what it means.
And it can last days, months, years.
As many of you may know I had intense depression for 15 yrs growing up. And part of the problem for me back then was not seeing enough people who were guiding lights, also talking about their dark. Because it would have made me feel more normal.
Because now I realise it is normal.
So depression, it’s hard. It’s tough. Your house of cards are collapsing. You’re asking why is this happening, what is going on? For me it was an identity crisis of biblical proportions! Or so it seems. It’s always epic, mammoth when it happens.
It challenged my sense of control and wellbeing. It rocked my inner world to show me I didn’t have such a grasp as I may have thought. It was a storm to sweep everything into the air. Not to make me suffer, although that’s undoubtedly one of the consequences. To help me.
Yet in the moment, we don’t know what we don’t know. And that’s part of it.
It’s fresh as I write this, I only came out of it fully a couple weeks ago. Perhaps our recent break from London triggered it or returning.
During these times when we don’t know, very little can help us. “Everything’s gonna be ok” isn’t gonna cut it cos we’re in it. Getting advice on what to do is usually not what we need.
The whole process is meant to make us uncomfortable.
And yet there are golden eggs to discover throughout this. I accessed a deeper layer of faith than I’d ever touched upon before.
This is the thing about faith. It resides in uncertainty. You cannot grasp its true essence from a place of knowing. It’s treasure exists on the shores of unknowingness. Do you venture on the dark seas towards it?
I did what I always do when a period of depression emerges. Flicker between the polarities:-
I trusted. I didn’t trust.
I distracted. I connected.
I lost faith. I found faith.
I felt hopeless. I felt the flicker of possibility.
It’s a ride that has no logic.
We don’t seem to be getting anywhere.
Of course we can dig our holes deeper and emerging can be complex.
Yet in hindsight, I find a combination of - trying - to maintain some form of spiritual / physical practice with - trying - to face what is happening are what allow space for a liberation to occur. However during this, I wouldn’t say I felt anything was working and would often distract. That’s part of the challenge. To somehow be with it, whilst simultaneously resisting it.
Once we’re out of these periods, everything is new. New.
And then we look back and exclaim to that part that seemed to torment us so:
“Thank you, thank you for showing me what I was hiding from
Thank you for giving me this gift of slowing down to meet this moment, which I have been running away from
Thank you for reminding me yet again, I am not in control.
I don’t need to be in control.
And that the unknown is an important place to embrace”
That place we get to, as much as I get it now and outside those moments - I will always, always forget it when I am in any state of depression.
It’s like a switch from knowing. And boy do I need it. It shook out some very heavy beliefs out of me.
For me, Depression is not a problem. Our perception of it is.
It represents an invitation to dive into the night and meet our dark.
It’s always challenging and difficult. Yet always rewarding.
It is an opportunity for Freedom.
If you’re experiencing it in any way, or have done, it means you have been courageous enough to face the night.
Yet the first step I truly believe is knowing you are not alone, or abnormal for having it.
For me it is normal.
It will always be with me. I will perhaps never get used to it when it arrives either. I guess that’s not it’s purpose.
I will also forget everything I’ve written here...until I’m meant to understand it again.
And yet one element holds me throughout. It isn’t Spirit. It’s my own faith, which is endless and appears when I seek it out. Then becoming a permanent addition to my life.
Depression can occur in any moment, or be extended for any length of time. Any struggling period is essentially that. It is also asking us to radically change our perception of who we are. What we are experiencing and to look at our inner environment. And this is far from easy.
And yet....if your perception of you is changing, something incredible is happening.